Apologies
by prismdreams
Summary: The aftermath of Rainbow Raider affected everyone in Barry's life. Righting the wrongs he caused was the poison he had to suck out to bring things back to the way they were again. He only wanted to comfort one person. Snowbarry. Set after 1x08.


_**A/N:** Hey guys! A little fun fact about this story. I started it back in 2014 (Season 1! Gah!) during the first crossover with Flash and Arrow and never actually finished it. I got discouraged because of the way the show has been treating Barry and Caitlin but I was determined to complete it. It's actually one of my favorite one shots because there really was never a scene where Barry apologized to Caitlin for what he said to her. We needed that, so I created this story. You can attribute my finishing this story to all the Snowbarry greatness we've been getting for Season 6. Yes, I did say it, now THAT is awesome. Eric Wallace is a gem of a show runner and I'm so glad he is in charge. Please guys, let me know what you all think of this story, favorite lines, moments, what you want to see, anything you want to say. And make sure you watch 6x03 "Dead Man Running" today 10/22 because Barry will be finally training Killer Frost after all these years. Thank you! Bye all! :)_

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Barry made his way down the corridor and stopped before entering the main control room at Star Labs.

He'd been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about what happened last night, all the people that were hurt because of Rainbow Raider's influence over his behavior. He was a man of truth but this was taking it to an extreme. And it was all his fault, for walking into something he knew he couldn't handle. What happened was truly unforgivable but he had to try.

He was the type of person to hold his feelings in before exploding. That explained why he erupted so harshly on his friends, everyone felt the wrath. It was like waking up from a bad dream, one that he wanted to wake up from. Barry shook his head, trying to compose himself before he took his first step back into the lab.

It was late, he checked the time which read past working lab hours. He had a feeling she would be here, it would be unlikely if she went home early. Knowing what he knew of her so far, he had her figured for drowning herself in work for distractions. His eyes wandered the room until he found her.

Swallowing slowly he had a better look of how she was when she thought no one was looking at her. Barry observed her eyes pinned to the paperwork in front of her, unflinching, completely focused. Her hair was done up with a pencil, he rarely saw her like this. Normally she would be styling her tresses but it looked like she only cared about finishing work to making sure she looked perfect. Which didn't make much of a difference, she still looked beautiful.

That was the thing, she didn't have to try, she _was_ perfect, in Barry's eyes. She was...she felt like...Barry couldn't put his finger on it but he knew she was something special. Just glancing her way, staring at her in her natural work environment, almost nakedly, he felt like a voyeur.

Barry licked his lips and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets as he walked inside, trying not to startle her but wanting her to notice him. Funny how he wanted this; in the moment he knew he probably wasn't going to be forgiven for what he said, what he did to make her upset. It wasn't really him, they both knew that, but did she really? He watched her hands reach inside her make shift hair clip, pulling the long pencil out as she shook her hair, flipping it as her fingers passed through the middle.

He found himself staring at the way her hand moved gracefully through her hair, part of him wondering what that would feel like for him. He pushed those thoughts away and made a noise to clear his throat. Watching as her head picked up, her mouth parted but she immediately turned back to working. Her jaw and cheekbones were reacting but she made no knowledge of his presence. Barry sighed, he knew this was going to be rough and he had to repair their friendship, he just knew it was the most important thing to him.

"Caitlin, hey..."

"Hello." She said in a monotone voice without picking up her head, jotting something down.

Barry walked over to get a better look at what she was really doing. It seemed like more test results were coming in on his own speed and she had been saving the records. Caitlin was the brains of his anatomy, Caitlin was the first person he allowed to touch him and now it appeared she didn't want to examine him anymore that way. It was going to be a strained piecing back together what they had. In a short amount of time they had grown close, almost sometimes a little too close and for sure closer than he thought he would with someone he just recently met.

"I—uh, how are you?" Barry said, trying not to stammer but failing.

Caitlin slowly blinked, keeping her composure for the time being. Her mind reeled back to yesterday when Barry said what he said to her. Her memory flashed back but she shook it away as quick as it appeared. She could feel Barry move closer to her.

"Fine."

Barry swallowed; she doesn't sound it or look it. In fact she looked like she really didn't want to see him again. Watching her face struggle to keep composure made his efforts more of a challenge. He knew he had to try though.

"About yesterday..."

"Can we not..." She paused, sternly turning to face him. "...do this?" She quietly but assertively affirmed, putting her attention back on the paperwork; she did her best to ignore him.

Barry sighed, placing his hands on the desk near her. "I need to say something. I know you don't want to hear it but I have to."

Caitlin clucked her tongue; her jaw grew tense as she ground her teeth. Barry was beginning to press her buttons.

"I need to you know that yesterday, that me, the guy that you saw saying those awful things, that _wasn't_ me. I could never..._live_ with myself if I hurt any of you guys. These past months have been hard, for all of us, without you guys I would never be able to help people. You guys gave me that. And you...Caitlin, you have to realize I didn't mean any of those things I said."

Caitlin rolled her eyes, she wasn't buying it. "Sounds like bullshit."

"Which part?" Barry dumbly asked, silently cursing himself as she narrowed her eyes, stopping her pen from moving.

She looked directly at him, piercing his eyes with hers to the point of daggers shooting his way. "You looked right at me and said what I didn't want to hear. You said exactly what you felt, what does it matter if you hurt me or not? It was the truth, or whatever, what you think is the truth. There is nothing left to say anymore. Let's just forget it."

"But that's the thing here. It hurt _you_. It was wrong and Caitlin, you need to know how sorry I am. You have to know I didn't truly mean it. That wasn't me."

She stood up abruptly, moving past him as she went inside the testing lab, absentmindedly staring at the chemicals in their flasks. She closed her eyes and prayed this wasn't happening, that he never really came by. That they were eventually going to forget it happened. But what she was more mad at was not that he hurt her, she'd been used to getting hurt, but how much truth what he said actually held. The weight of it was pushing her shoulders down as she slumped over the counter. She'd been so stable up until this point. So calm, so together. She held herself beyond what she believed she had inside her.

But Barry, him being here. The sincerity in his tone, the brief moment where she looked in his eyes and saw who he really was. It was all too much for her to handle.

"I'm not just going to let this go Caitlin. I know I can't make you believe me when I say how sorry I am for the things I said about you. But we are still working together, I don't want something like this to affect our work, I want you to at least know how I really feel."

Caitlin's eyes started to water, she shut them before any tears fell down. "I already know."

"No, you don't. You can't even look at me right now."

She pretended like she was storing something away as he followed her around the lab. Barry was so close she could hear his breathing and felt it fan her naked neck when she pulled her hair out of her eyes, swiping it to the side. She hoped he didn't see her with that pencil in her hair, nobody can know how broken she is that couldn't even take care of herself.

"Barry, go home."

"No, not until you look at me."

Caitlin's eyes narrowed but still kept her back turned. She figured he'd take a hint and leave like she hoped. Instead what happened was the moment she moved to leave the room herself, he touched her arm before grabbing it gently.

"Cait..." Barry said softly, unaware that his voice dropped volumes near her.

She didn't know what to do. She couldn't find it in her to look him directly in his eyes; that would be too much. What he said, and what he's saying right now, she wished he would have just let it go.

"This silence is killing me, please say something. I can't continue to work with you like this. We have to go on but I don't want to like this. You know, deep down we can't. There was a reason why I almost couldn't do this, but knowing how much I hurt you, the look on your face, it's still so fresh. I can't live with myself. I couldn't wait any longer. Please, do you understand me?"

Caitlin swallowed roughly; she had no choice but to look at him. He was being gentle with her but he was also closing in the space between them. She was aware of how much space he closed in when she drew in a sharp breath. Unable to mask it, she acted as if it didn't happen.

"Barry...you...I, you need to just let this go. Forget what I said. Forget everything. For all our sakes." Caitlin barely managed to get out.

He wasn't having it, he wasn't going to give up but his grip loosened around her arm. He didn't want to pressure her, it was just killing him. Seeing her in so much pain. Knowing how much she's lost, he felt personally responsible for making things worse for her.

"This wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't true. I don't want you to think that. I said so much shit yesterday."

Caitlin's eyes shifted, she couldn't face him. The more he denied it, the more it became true. The more she was just going to be eternally like this. Helpless. Lonely. Longing. Recycling old emotions and projecting them onto people that didn't deserve them.

"But it was my fault. I shouldn't have..."

Barry grew brave and cupped her face, they were moving beyond even professionalism. "No, you were right. About it all. I was reckless. I was the one who went in head on, you were concerned for me. You were being that way with me because you meant it. I know it was because you were worried. I wasn't thinking straight. To bring up...I shouldn't have. I am so sorry. Caitlin," his hands took hers gently, "please, you did _nothing_ wrong."

Caitlin caught herself before she made herself go further. She swallowed roughly and backed away from Barry, keeping her intense emotions inside. This wasn't going to happen here, not now. Not when she cried herself to sleep yesterday.

"I think...I think you should go." Caitlin brought her eyes to his, crestfallen. "Like I told you, there's nothing else to say."

Barry bit his lip, hesitating before questioning her statement. There was something bothering him about the way she said that. He was giving her another chance to come forward.

"Caitlin, you don't need to deal with this alone. No matter what, Cisco, Dr. Wells, all of us, we're here for you when you need us. Me...I'm here right now."

She closed her eyes slowly before opening them just as slow. The rapid blinking effecting her emotions, she wouldn't cry, she couldn't. No one sees her cry. No one can know just how deep the cuts run in her flesh. Each someone brings up Ronnie, what happened to him. She now understood what wives, fiancés, girlfriends go through of soldiers who die in the heat of sacrifice. She was living it. And Barry was taking a sledgehammer to the wall she'd built since the tragic accident.

"Look, I don't need you to remind me of what I've lost. I don't need anyone to for that matter. Forget it, OK? I'm through with hearing about this and talking about it. Leave it alone Barry. Just...go home." Caitlin whispered the last part.

Barry heard and felt the anguish in her last strangled words to him. He swallowed slowly, not leaving as she wished but not advancing forward to scare her anymore than she already is.

"Cait..." he started but she nearly glared at him when he used that name she secretly wanted to hear all the time but wouldn't allow herself the gesture. She was mad at Barry and was trying to let him know it but it was failing her. The calm serenity in his voice was easing her personal demons. If she allowed him to get closer to her, god the pain—the pain—would only be her detriment. "Caitlin...we all have this...there's this pain we all carry but it feels different for all of us because it can be too much to take. We all deal with it in our own way, but please; you need to know you don't have to take this all on your own. Please, I'm asking you to forgive me and to trust me."

Caitlin's tears got the better of her as they slid down her cheeks. "You think it's going to be easy?"

"No, I know it's not but I still want you to. I know I hurt you the worst. I do know that now..."

Those were hard words to swallow. Caitlin just wanted him to leave, if she faced everything now she would be worried if her sanity ever came back.

Barry reached for her hand suddenly, his hand other wiping the tears that spilled down her cheeks.

"I know why you said that and I—I know you think I was thinking of Ronnie, but, to be honest, for the first time, I wasn't."

Barry's brows tensed. He wondered what she meant by that. "What do you mean?"

Her eyes grew and she tried to get away from him but he sped right next to her.

"You know you can't run from me." He said, moving closer to her, unaware he was doing it, more shocked she was letting him.

She couldn't bring herself to look at him.

"I don't know. I don't know what I mean." She said, unsure if she should have said that out loud. She was sure she thought it before but actually saying it in front of Barry of all people.

"Caitlin, what is it? What's wrong? You're shaking."

Barry was now holding her shoulders gently, Caitlin was aware of him doing this and she tried to get away from him.

"Stop it, just stop it. You can't just do that..."

Barry held his hands up, his eyes growing wide. "Doing what? I don't know what I'm doing. Caitlin, I'm trying to apologize to you, why can't you believe me? You know me, you know who I am."

Caitlin slowly stared up at Barry, his eyes were mirroring hers, the glazed look catching up with hers. He looked beyond confused and empathic, it was like he felt exactly what she did. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Doing what? Caitlin, I don't know what's going on? Would you please tell me why? I'm lost here." Barry's voice started to crack and Caitlin was barely hanging on as it is. "Talk to me."

"No..." She mustered out in a breathy voice.

Barry was beyond confused. "Caitlin, what?"

She swallowed roughly.

He took a step closer, she wasn't pushing him away just avoiding his eyes. He brought his hand to her cheek, brushing it gently with the back of his hand. He looked closer into her eyes, feeling a mixture of confusion and a strong power he didn't recognize.

"I could never leave you." Barry said.

"He did!" She cried softly and closed her hand over his, holding on gently. "Every time you leave, you do."

Barry relaxed his tense expression, holding her hand as they sat down together.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how much you..._cared_ more than I thought. I never thought, I guess I never really knew how much I mean to other people. To you."

She was silent but he smiled at her. "You are my personal doctor, after all."

"Yeah, I am."

Caitlin found the strength to look into his eyes, holding his gaze for a moment. "I never know when it's the last time. I can't help but think I've lived this before. It makes me feel so useless, even as a doctor, _your_ doctor. To know that every time you go out there, without thinking, going straight into the line of fire, that it might be the last time I see you. I just don't want to hear it. Not this, not again. It would be my worst nightmare coming true."

Barry sat closer so she wouldn't have to lean and strain her body.

"I guess when I was in that awful mindset I knew how you really felt. I remembered everything, I would give anything for you to forgive me.

Caitlin thought over this for several moments, Barry was patient with her until her eyes made contact with his again. His body almost shook at the amount of vulnerability she showed. He bit his lip nervously waiting for her answer.

"Yeah, I can. I needed to hear it though. Because it's true, all of it. I'm in love with you Barry Allen."

Barry's heart beat faster, even as a speedster, and he suddenly found it hard to swallow. A myriad of feelings came rushing on every corner and inch of his body and he found himself in a daze.

He was too busy in his reverie that he didn't notice Caitlin standing up to put away her papers silently. Barry sped, turning her around as he smashed his lips against hers without another word. He felt her relax as she responded back tenderly, they had no idea what was happening and they didn't care. All they wanted to do was stay like this, for as long as they could.

"I knew that already." Barry said, smiling against her lips as he went in for another soft kiss, sinking in the moment as she followed his lead.


End file.
